Cancer, me now and for the foreseeable future

 Feb. 24. 2021

I am officially a person living with cancer, specifically Prostate Cancer. I have been official for a little over a day now although I have “known” since Jan. 26^th when at the end of a consult with my urologist it became time for the Digital Rectal Exam. It had been a normal conference, 3 years since my TURP and I had started having some symptoms of BPH that were starting to be annoying. Our discussion had been normal to that point so I thought nothing when I dropped my pants and leaned over the exam table. “A little coolness and then a poke” she said before the familiar feelings of pressure and general discomfort. “hmm” I heard as she concluded the exam. I pulled up my pants and turned around. The smiling eyes were gone, a serious stare was forming as we sat down and she said, “I felt a hard spot, a nodule that wasn’t there before.” From there it was an explanation of nodules and bumps and ultrasound and needle biopsies and assurances that even if this is a cancer everything will be all right.

We scheduled the biopsy and I got a PSA. The PSA was 3.2. That is still in the normal range so I asked in a note “Do I still need the biopsy?” I knew the answer before it came back, “I know what I felt. We need to do this.” So a few days later it was twelve hits with the needle gun (sounds a lot like a staple gun not painful but the sound is unnerving.) I assured her that I wanted the results in my MyChart account as soon as they came in, but I already knew. She already knew, we knew when she felt the bump. The difference was that it was not official, I did not “have” cancer, at least I did not have a diagnosis.

That all changed at 9:52pm on the 22^nd of Feb. when the email came in stating that I had results in my record. The fourth of six paragraphs began
                4. Prostate, right base, core biopsy:
                    Prostatic adenocarcinoma, Gleason score 3+3=6/10 (Grade Group I),
                    involving one of two cores (15% - 2 mm).

It was real. I would read on to find that I had cancer findings in 3 of the 12 samples. I was now a person with cancer. I now had a Gleason score, the number assigned to tell how advanced your prostate cancer has become. Mine was Gleason score 3+3=6/10 for all three cancerous samples.  It was 10 o’clock at night and my wife was almost asleep, I made the decision to wait till morning to share the news. By 8 o’clock on the 23^rd I had an appointment for the pathology discussion and my wife and I would be there together. It was surprisingly simple. I had read a lot online in the weeks since the DRE so the words the doctor was saying were largely what I had already known. Slow growing and best thing for us right now is to watch and wait.  And so it begins.

The funny thing is I don’t feel any different though it did feel weird to read a note from the doctor today noting, “your disease . . .” My disease, like a possession, but one that you can’t lose, one that actually possesses you. I am now defined by my symptoms, by my errant cells. I am a person living with cancer.

Next: How is this so not a thing and yet a huge thing?