You made me a better person

While going through the Classmates web site a few days ago, I came across a name that made me stop and reflect. It was the name of the first girl I ever dated, the first girl I ever kissed ( if memory can be trusted at all) and the first girl that my emotional stupidity ever hurt. In my defense I can only say I was young and dumb, but I need the world to know, I need her to know, that I am better for her confronting me on the issue and wish that I had the courage and insight to have properly apologized all those years ago.

It all began innocently enough. I was at boarding school, a dreary place that I detested. Letters from home were about the only thing that made life good, so I wrote to anyone, everyone. Not even when I was in Vietnam did I write so much.  One night I wrote two letters, one to a girl that I was trying to impress and one to one that I was writing to because - well, I suppose because I still needed her in my life though we were no longer seeing each other. So I wrote and addressed both letters, put one in the envelope and posted it. I then went back to my room only to find the other letter with the wrong envelope. I knew I was in for it. Somewhere in my peanut sized brain it had seemed right to try to impress the new girl by comparing her to the old. I waited and it wasn't long before the dreaded response came back. "I knew at once that your letter wasn't meant for me, but . . ."

Mary, I was so dumb, such a heel, believe me when I say that moment has been etched eternally and whatever wrong, bad or stupid relationship things I have done since, I have assiduously refrained from such comparisons.

I never really got a proper chance to make amends Now may be too late, but I did learn that each of us comes to another fresh and memories of the past are sacred texts that are shared only in the most careful and sincere ways. I honestly do not know what I said in that letter. It isn't as important as the realization that it hurt you and that was never the intent. Intent, however, as I learned, has nothing at all to do with results. Intent is a legal fiction. I caused hurt and that was wrong. You never deserved to be hurt. and I  fully deserved your wrath. You may never see this, although a part of me hopes you do. Whether you read these words or not, I am sorry that I caused you pain, I was stupid, but I have learned and the good news, that I hope you realized even then, is that the other person never read what you were sent.

That and I have never heard Herman's Hermits singing "Mrs. Brown you've got a lovely daughter," without thinking fondly of you.